Money, Babes, Jokes, and Music

Blonde paint job

2009-08-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Blonde Jokes - Answer and Question

2009-08-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

A: A translator.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge, who would hit the water first?

A: The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop to ask for directions.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?

A: Wave

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?

A: “Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

A: She moved.

Painting Contractor

2009-08-19T22:34:00.001-07:00

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!” In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!” The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!” The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?” “I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Desert Island

2009-08-19T22:33:00.001-07:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are stuck on a deserted island. One day the red head found a magic lamp. She rubbed it and a genie came out. He said, “For letting me out, I will grant each of you one wish.” So the brunette says, ” I wish I were with my boyfriend.” So she disappers and is taken to her boyfriend’s house. The red head says, “I wish I were with my family.” Then she disappers into her family’s house. Then the blonde says, “Aw, I’m lonely, I wish my friends were here.”

Paris Hilton Magical Boobies

2009-08-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what’s going on with Paris Hilton’s boobs, sometime they’re huge sometimes they look like a couple of raisins on a bread board

Magical Boobies Mode On

Magical Boobies Mode Off

Megan Fox

2009-08-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

Quotes
"It's so odd. I like the bad-boy types. Generally, the guy I'm attracted to is the guy in the club with all the tattoos and nail polish. He's usually the lead singer in a punk band and plays guitar. But my serious boyfriends are relatively clean-cut, nice guys."
- Megan Fox

Biography
Born in Rockwood, Tennessee, on May 16, 1986, Megan Denise Fox started taking drama and dance lessons at the age of 5 and thrived from the very beginning. Despite a move to Florida when she was 10, Megan's parents did not let their youngest daughter forgo her talent, and so the future actress continued her training.
megan fox in confessions of a teenage drama queen

By age 13, Megan Fox's dancing led to modeling opportunities. In 1999, she won several awards at the American Modeling and Talent Convention in Hilton Head, South Carolina. With this new credit, Fox began venturing into acting, and after she moved to Los Angeles, a future career in showbiz looked probable. Fox made her acting debut in 2001, appearing in the straight-to-video release Holiday in the Sun, a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen film. She then garnered a recurring role in the low-key soap opera Ocean Ave. and appeared in an episode of the Amanda Bynes series What I Like About You.

In 2004, Megan Fox joined the legion of female teens overtaking Hollywood, appearing alongside Lindsay Lohan in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. She also had a role in the TV movie Crimes of Fashion and secured a spot on the Kelly Ripa-led sitcom Hope & Faith.

Megan Fox uses her smokin' body as a canvas. She has around eight tattoos, including a portrait of Marilyn Monroe. Her provocative cover shoot for GQ's October 2008 issue, shot by none other than the dirty-minded Terry Richardson of Vice magazine fame, caused a stir on newsstands, and many of the risqué photos were soon plastered on blogs dedicated to Megan. Google "Megan Fox" and "GQ" to see why. She lives up to her last name.

Megan Fox recently announced that she has split with her former fiance Brian Austin Green. Think you have a chance? While in Berlin promoting Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Fox was asked who she'd be interested in dating next. Her response? "Oh I don't know. There is this Korean Justin Timberlake named Rain, and I'm really on his situation now. I'm trying to fix this up. I'm working hard."

6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet By Jonathan Kimak

2009-08-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

The Internet makes people crazy. We all know this. The guy on the message board who just called you a shitclown for owning a different video game console than him probably would have been perfectly polite had you met in real life.

In fact, we're thinking it's time they updated the psychological diagnostic manuals with this list of new disorders that only seem to kick in once the person opens a web browser.

#6. Online Intermittent Explosive Disorder (a.k.a. The Thin-Skinned Rage-o-holic)

Like serial killers, these people seem pretty normal at first. For hours or even days, they'll carry on funny, charming conversations in a forum or comment section. But then something, anything, sets him off and he devolves into a tantrum that would make Christian Bale say, "Dude, calm down! Jesus."

In Real Life it's Called...

Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Out in the real world, IED is an impulse control disorder that can make a person act like their entire family has been murdered just because Burger King forgot to put their fries in the bag. They're prone to fits of uncontrollable rage in situations that don't call for it.

And while it only affects around six percent of people in real life, on the Internet you run into one of these in almost every comment section. And nothing sets them off like a mild hit to their ego:

IED Guy: Hey guys I made this Photoshop, can I get some constructive criticism?
Normal poster: You might want to cut six or seven of the lens flares.
IED Guy: FUCK YOU YOU COMMUNIST FUCKTARD. I HAVE WON AWARDS FOR MY WORK WHILE YOU WERE BUSY JERKING OFF IN YOUR PARENTS BASEMENT AND PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS-

(This continues for 2,000 words or so).

A simultaneously hilarious and disturbing example of this made internet headlines in mid-June, when somebody emailed a congressman's office and accidentally referred to his assistant Elizabeth as "Liz," prompting an explosion of 19 furious emails in which Elizabeth demanded that she be called by her full name.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

First, there's the obvious: Most of us suppress our real-life spurts of rage for fear of getting punched in the face by the person we're screaming at. Second, on the Internet, where your looks, job, income and fancy clothes won't buy you any respect, some people seem to think they have to protect their reputation like an old west gunslinger: shooting down anybody who calls them out.

But then there's the third, and least obvious reason, which is that without tone of voice and body language, it's hard to convey mere annoyance or mild anger, without the fear that the person you're conveying it to just plain won't notice. So they think they have to crank it up to a 10 every time they're crossed, even if they don't mean it.

That's probably the weirdest part, that these people who are SCREAMING INSULTS IN ALL CAPS are often at the same time sitting in a cubicle somewhere, sipping coffee and conversing pleasantly with the person next to them.

#5. Low Forum Frustration Tolerance (a.k.a. The Frantic Browser Reloader)

This is the guy who makes a new thread, knowing he's just written the absolutely perfect post. A post that should be heralded across the Internet for its beauty, comedy and insight. It is such a good post that the guy is checking every five seconds to see if there is a new response. If he gets a response he quickly dashes out his own reply that will appear half a second later.

If there are no responses to his perfect post then he will wait an eternity of five minutes before replying to his own thread with, "What, nobody has a comment? Helloooo???"

You may also find this guy submitting stories to news portals like Digg and Reddit, losing an entire workday hitting Refresh (or F5) over and over, waiting for somebody, anybody, to digg up his submission.

In Real Life it's Called...

Low Frustration Tolerance.

LFT is defined as a person seeking immediate gratification or the avoidance of immediate pain. At first this sounds like the behavior of any whiny seven-year-old who wants a toy and will scream and pump his fat little arms until he gets what he wants. But unlike a kid, a quick smack to the back of the head won't shut this guy up.

Someone with LFT is so obsessed with their current project that everything else in their life stops. It's actually a form of procrastination, the obsession with that (often utterly inconsequential) object allows them to neglect their work, or girlfriend, or their dog that shits in the corner of the bedroom because it hasn't been walked in the last 10 hours.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

There never has been an engine for instant gratification like the Internet. Our parents thought television killed our attention spans, but hell, with TV you still had to wait for the shows to come on, and they played at their own pace. On the Internet, the videos start when you fucking tell them to. If they don't, off to another site. It's like a faucet: you turn the knob and you expect an immediate flow of lolcats.

It trains all of us to be impatient. And it's easy for the impatient to start looking at fellow posters or Diggers as just more pieces of content, morsels that need to be delivered the instant we want them. And why wouldn't we? This is a place where we can get a girl to strip for us on a webcam for like three bucks.

#4. Munchausen by Internet (a.k.a. The Sob Story Teller)

These are the people who lurk around innocently enough, and then, one day, tragedy strikes. Their dog, or parent, or maybe a close friend died. Maybe the poster themselves found out they have a terminal disease. And unless you're on 4chan, the group will generally rally around and shower them with sympathy. You send this person your prayers and well wishes, maybe a few dozen kitten pictures and you hope they will get through it.

Then, a few months later, another tragedy strikes them. Their best friend was raped, or paralyzed in an accident, or both. A few months after that, their father dies. Again.

Soon it becomes apparent that they are either living under an ancient Egyptian curse, or they're making it all up.

It's so common that somebody else has already coined the sarcastic term for it: Munchausen by Internet.

In Real Life it's Called...

Munchausen Syndrome.

The basis of need here is the same as the attention-seekers above, only these people will only settle for the positive and sympathetic attention that comes with being sick or some other kind of distress. You know, without the whole "actually being sick" thing to bog them down.

In real life they can keep it up for years, because society doesn't make it easy to be skeptical in these situations. If you cast doubt on them and then later discover it was in fact true, suddenly you're the biggest douche on the planet.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

As easy as it is to pull off in real life, it's 10 time easier online where there's no simple way to fact-check the claims. So it doesn't take a balls-out liar or con man to pull it off. Hell, all you need to do is know how to type, and you have access to that same outpouring of sympathy all Munchausen sufferers get addicted to.

A famous case of cyberMuching was that of Kaycee Nicole, a 19-year-old with Leukemia who turned out to have been created by 40-year-old Debbie Swenson. The Kaycee character posted daily for two years in a online journal about her struggle to live with her illness. She then "died" and only when there was no funeral people did people figure out it had all been a hoax.

And even then, Swenson could keep doing it elsewhere if she so pleased. She may be out doing it right now. On the anonymous Internet, you can create a dozen different characters and when one of them starts to get boring the "parent" can just kill them off. This is clinically known as the LOST approach.

#3. Online Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (a.k.a. The Grammar Nazi)

We all reserve the right to mock people who post 500-word blocks of misspelled nonsense. But then you have the situation where somebody posts a perfectly clear and clever message but within their well-articulated points they dare to confuse "your" with "you're." And then somebody will flip the fuck out.

Like a Mossad agent in rural America, you quickly discover that you've found a Nazi. Of the Grammar variety.

In Real Life it's Called...

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.

OCPD should not be confused with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (or, "The OC Disorder"). OCPD shares the obsessive component of OCD, but it is different from OCD in that OCPD has the letter P in its name. That and people with OCPD do not perform the weird ritualistic actions of OCD'ers, like opening a door four times or having to always eat Pringles with the concave side up.

OCPD types simply have an incredibly strict standard by which certain tasks be done, to the point that it literally can lead to violence otherwise.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

At the heart of the real-life OCPD sufferer seems to be an irrational fear that the rest of the world is sloppier, dirtier and more disorganized than it should be, that it's rapidly getting worse, and that the world will fall to pieces unless someone straightens it up.

On the Internet, five minutes spent reading YouTube comments can convince even an average, level-headed person that the Internet is about to suffer the same fate. The old-fashioned holdouts who insist on typing in actual sentences see what seems to be an inexorable move toward a language based entirely on texting abbreviations. It's not hard to feel the desire to take up arms to defend language at all costs. Srsly.

#2. Low Cyber Self-Esteem (a.k.a. The Guy Who Everyone Hates but Who Never Leaves)

There's a place for everyone on the Internet to feel at home. When you can fill a message board with fans of The Wonder Years porn, there should be no such thing as an outcast.

Yet, each forum, chat room or other online community seems to have a person or people who just don't fit in. It's not that they are necessarily horrible people, they're just the square trying to fit into the triangle hole. They get ridiculed constantly.

Now you may figure this is no different than the picked-on nerd in high school, but unlike that kid always getting squished into a locker, these people are free to leave the website at any time.

But they never do.

In Real Life it's Called...

Self-Abasement and/or Attention Seeking Behavior.

Someone with the need for self-abasement feels that they should be perpetually punished for their wrongdoings. They're like the albino that whipped himself in The Da Vinci Code, only instead of drawing blood they draw "Fuck you noobtard" comments. It's either a subconscious way to feel like they're paying back the world for their sins, or they're just so out of self-esteem that they can't muster the energy to defend themselves.

If taken to an extreme, it can even turn into Online Erotic Humiliation where the abuse turns into sexual arousal. So the next time you tell someone to go fuck themselves, you might have just given them the material to do so.

But maybe more common than that is good ol' Attention Seeking Behavior, which every single person who's ever spent just one evening with a child will be familiar with. The outcast, like the child, knows that hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. All that negative attention is still attention, and the abuse is still several steps better than being ignored.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

So we've established that when you say, in person, "Jimmy, go away, you're a retard" that Jimmy is just happy that somebody used his name and acknowledged his existence. Even if the only reason you used his name was to tell him to go die in a fire.

But when you type it on a message board, it's that much better. This isn't just attention, but attention that's being broadcast around the globe via the World Wide Web. The "we hate Jimmy" thread on a popular forum might be read by thousands of people. If that many people are reading about him, he must matter (hell, think of all the TV personalities who have made a career out of being hated).

The attention-seeker gets what he wants, and the self-abaser gets an erection big enough to actually interfere with the signal on his wireless keyboard.

#1. Internet Asperger's Syndrome (a.k.a. The Troll)

We can't take credit for this one, blogger and Internet entrepreneur Jason Calacanis coined the term "Internet Asperger's Syndrome" to describe the utter loss of all social rules and empathy that seems to hit some people for no other reason than that they happen to be communicating via keyboard and monitor at the time.

We don't need to retell all of the horror stories. A kid commits suicide on webcam while the trolls cheer him on, Anonymous mocks a suicide victim, some kids fire a baby out of a giant slingshot for a YouTube video (we're not sure if that last one actually happened but it's really just a matter of time).

Normal kids, good grades, no criminal records... but get them in a chat room and suddenly it reads like the transcript to a Charles Manson parole hearing.

In Real Life it's Called...

Asperger's Syndrome.

This rarely diagnosed but often claimed disorder is a mild form of Autism that comes with what seems to be a biological inability to show empathy for other human beings, as well as (and maybe stemming from) an inability to recognize nonverbal cues. They continually do weird, upsetting things because they don't know it's upsetting you. That part of their brain is broken.

People cringe when they hear this term because they know that a large number of the teenagers claiming Asperger's are, in fact, merely dicks.

So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?

Calacanis figured out that people who do all of their communicating online wind up mimicking Asperger's behaviors because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, so does empathy. Soon the thing you're communicating with isn't a person, they're just a bunch of words on a screen. A bunch of words that the little bastard didn't even bother to spellcheck.

The 6 Best 2012 Apocalypse Theories (Are All Bullshit) By Luis Prada

2009-08-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed a recent trend of trying to fit every hackneyed doomsday prophecy into the same red-letter year of 2012. The theories are obtuse, their connections are flimsy and the perceived consequences are completely unsubstantiated.

Unsurprisingly, these prophecies are enormously popular.
#6. The Mayans

The Mayans are probably the most-quoted of the 2012 doom prophecies, and can perhaps be credited with getting the whole fad started

Back when they were an advanced civilization living in Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula about 3,000 years ago, they developed around 15 to 20 calendars, all with a slightly different purpose: the Tzolk'in was used to calculate crop cultivation, the Haab followed the cycles of the sun and the Long Count ticked off the harrowing last days until face-bursting ultimate destruction.

The Long Count calculates a period of time known as the Great Cycle, which is a count of about 5,125.36 years. Scholars paired up the dates of the Long Count with Gregorian calendars and found that the current Great Cycle began August 13, 3114 B.C, and ends on December 21st, 2012. Dum dum DUUUUUMMM!!!

Bolstering their theory is that the date coincides with a winter solstice during which the Sun will align with the center of the Milky Way galaxy. When that happens, some say the Earth's poles will shift and every horrible natural disaster imaginable will come together to form a Megazord of planet crushing assbeat.

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?

Uh... It's a calendar. It accurately predicts the rise of the sun every day. Otherwise nothing.

Why it Might be Bullshit:
First of all, the end of the Long Count holds no more significance than Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve: the Maya just had a celebration and then started a new calendar. Even they didn't think it was going to be the end of the world, and even if they had, why the fuck would they be expected to know?

As for the winter solstice thing, that's just when the Sun is at its greatest distance from Earth. Our poles shifting because the Sun is aligned with the center of the Milky Way makes about as much scientific sense as saying you shouldn't drive at sunset because your car might crash into the sun.

Besides, the solstice occurs in June in the southern hemisphere, so if the world looks like it's going to end we can all just move to Australia.

#5. The I-Ching

A less popular but equally convoluted source is the I-Ching. In the pre-800-number era of human existence, the people of China received their psychic advice from one of their oldest texts, the I-Ching. You asked the I-Ching a question and a certified physic flipped three coins in to the air, drawing a hexagram based on the results. This told your fortune, somehow.

The I-Ching had nothing to do with the end of the world until a man by the name of Terence McKenna came along and made a pattern out of every possible result. After applying this pattern to a line graph accompanied by a timeline of recorded history, he discovered that the high and low points of the graph coincided with several significant events.
On December 21, 2012, the line slowly dips off of the chart, once again supposedly indicating a world-ending catastrophic buttfuck.

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?

The Fall of the Roman Empire
The Discovery of the New World
World Wars I and II

Why it Might be Bullshit:

The reality is McKenna utilized a pattern of his own invention to create a timeline of his own invention, and then predicted world events that had already happened.

After all, there's enough bad shit in human history that you could probably correlate several large scale catastrophes right alongside the peaks and valleys of a line graph showing Disney's stock price over the last decade.

He couldn't even decide what the end of his timeline signified, claiming everything from the apocalypse to alien invasion to time travel. Honestly, what kind of half-assed prophet was this guy? Maybe the next Batman movie comes out in 2012 and it's a huge disappointment, and the I-Ching just takes it way harder than everybody else.

#4. Web-Bot

In the late 90s, some brainiacs created a computer program called Web-bot to make stock market predictions, perhaps out of a belief that large amounts of money would be the only way any of them would ever get laid. Web-bot works like an Internet search engine does, but it presents its results in the form of numerical trends.

Basically, it was designed to tap in to our collective unconscious by analyzing information on the Internet and then make predictions based on its findings. So it's kind of like Trending Topics on Twitter, only people inexplicably trusted it to provide meaningful financial advice.

In 2001, the aforementioned brainiacs reasoned that if their program could be used to predict the stock market, it should be able to predict the future as well. According to the Web-bot, small nuclear wars will erupt somewhere in the world in 2009, initiating a series of events resulting in a major cataclysm sometime in--wait for it--the year 2012.

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?
9/11
Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy
New York blackout of 2003
Anthrax scares at the U.S. House of Representatives
Hurricane Katrina

Why it Might be Bullshit:
The Web-bot's data pool is limited to what is being discussed on the Internet. If the National Hurricane Center predicts that an upcoming hurricane season will be a particularly bad one, and everyone online starts talking about it, the Web-bot will spring into action by helpfully predicting the upcoming hurricane season will be a particularly bad one.
So why is the Web-bot predicting a cataclysmic event in 2012? Because end of the world alarmists are flooding the Internet with tons of information alleging some apocalyptic occurrence in 2012, that's why. Seriously, it's the Carlos Mencia of clairvoyant robots.

#3. The Hopi Indians

The Hopi are one of America's oldest Indian tribes, found in the northeastern section of Arizona along with absolutely nothing else. They have a rich mythology filled with Spider Women, Skeleton Men and the repeated creation and destruction of the Earth. They are a bleak people.

The Hopi believe time to be cyclical and made up of a number of worlds. When a world begins it is innocent and pure, but as time goes by the world and its people become corrupted by sex, war and other things we pay 10 dollars a ticket to see at AMC.
At the height of decay the world ends, its people are purified, and everything starts over from the beginning. We'd like to imagine it as the end of Matrix Revolutions, except that we swore on our father's grave we would never think about that movie ever again.
According to the Hopi lore, we are currently living in the fourth world. Sadly, due to the white man and his insatiable white quest for spiritless technology, we are rapidly approaching the Great Purification. Once we all pass through a cosmic Brita filter we will enter world five, which as fate would have it is the one with all the goddamn hammer brothers.
And people figure, hey, might as well be 2012, right? After all, these prophets can't all be wrong.

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?
There are nine signs that lead to the Great Purification.
Dastardly white men with guns.
"The coming of spinning wheels filled with voices" - early American pioneers in wagons, or bass-thumping Escalades with spinning rims.
The coming of the white man's cattle - Longhorns.
"The land will be crossed by snakes of iron" - Railroads.
The world will be crisscrossed by a giant spider's web - telephone lines or the Internet.
The building of a large network of roads.
"...The sea turning black, and many living things dying..." - Oil spills.
"...Many youth, who wear their hair long like my people, come and join the tribal nations..." - hippies.
A "dwelling-place in the heavens... that shall fall with a great crash" - U.S. Space Station Skylab, which fell to Earth in 1979.

Why it Might be Bullshit:
The signs of the Hopi apocalypse read like a middle school American History text book with a particular emphasis on the ill-deeds of the white man. Consequently, they seem little more than elements of a curse or an elaborate revenge fantasy.

Still, predicting things like the "snakes of iron" that would crisscross the land? We have to admit it's pretty impressive that they predicted things like the railroads in... oh, wait, they didn't publish the prophecy until 1959.

#2. Mother Shipton

Ursula Sontheil, later known as Mother Shipton, was born in a cave in North Yorkshire, England in 1488. She is historically described as being the visual approximation of a foot grafted to an ass. Upon discovering her father was Satan himself, her mother fled to a nunnery and gave Ursula up for adoption (by tossing her from a speeding carriage, which was the 15th century equivalent).

Due to her fanciful lineage, she was bestowed the power to see the future. It wasn't until 1641--80 years after her death--that an anonymously written pamphlet was published detailing some of her prophecies.

As the centuries passed, newly discovered Shipton prophecies were released to the world, one of which reads, "When pictures seem alive with movements free, when boats like fishes swim beneath the sea, when men like birds shall scour the sky, then half the world, deep drenched in blood shall die."

Wait, only half? What are we even worried about?

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?
The death of Henry VIII
The Great Fire of London
The Printing Press
The Defeat of the Spanish Armada
World Wars I and II

Why it Might Be Bullshit:

Hey, have you noticed that she didn't specifically mention 2012? Yet, she comes up in all of the 2012 articles. Ask them why they assume 2012 for her particular prophecy, and they say it only makes sense because that's what all the other prophecies say. Then in the next breath they boast about how all the prophecies "agree." You can see how it works.

As for Mother Shipton, her story seems pretty solid, other than the fact that she may not have ever existed at all. Her biographer, Richard Head (no, seriously), later admitted that he had collected some stories he knew and created a fictional narrative he sold as The Life and Times of Mother Shipton.

As for her predictions, they can be credited to the oldest and most reliable method mankind has ever discovered: they were all written after the events in question had already taken place, and then passed on to the public as "newly discovered" prophecies.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

#1. Nostradamus

Ah, Nostradamus. No one else in history has caused more people to stockpile Spam in their bomb shelters. Hell, might as well get him in on the act.

in 1982, the world gained a whole new reason to fear Nostradamus when a never-before-published work of his was discovered in Rome. A repeated image in the book is that of an eight-spoked wheel, which allegedly represents the intersection of the Divine Cross (made up of the angles of our galactic center and the celestial equator) and the Terrestrial Cross (the angles that make up our equinox and solstice). The two crosses only come into alignment once every 13,000 years, and we're due for alignment in, you guessed it, 2012.

Nostradamus' Armageddon for Dummies also has an image that shows three solar eclipses followed by a lunar eclipse, indicating that sometime between 1992 and 2012 our world will end. The likely cataclysm is a great flood, because at one point there is a picture of a giant pair of stripper's underwear that scholars allege is a raft.

What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True?

The Reign of Napoleon
The Rise of Hitler
The Atom Bomb
The Kennedy Assassination

Why it Might be Bullshit:

Let us, for a second, ignore the fact that the book contains three different handwriting styles, that it is a copy of an original so damaged most of it could not be deciphered, and that (again) every predicted event occurred well before the book's "discovery" in 1982.

We are still faced with bullshit by the whole "three solar eclipses,one lunar eclipse" thing. There are dozens of lunar and solar eclipses taking place during the 20 year period of 1992 and 2012, not just four as the theory implies. There was a period between 2007 and 2008 that met the three and one criteria, but that just begs the question "Why the fuck didn't the world explode, evil picture book?" Don't ask. It doesn't know.

If all of these predictions are bogus (which they most certainly are), how do they manage to have 2012 in common? The History Channel, that's how. In late 2007, the History Channel ran a special about Nostradamus' lost book, stretching interpretations so thin you could make a doomsday crepe out of it. As with all of the above "prophecies," 2012 sites around the Internet took the ball and ran with it.

Pretty annoying, right? Well, get used to it. You've got two and a half more years.

Tacks

2009-08-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Return To Sender

2009-08-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Sorry, I Can't do That!

2009-08-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

The Juggler

2009-08-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

The Priest and the Rabbi

2009-08-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Adult Jokes

2009-08-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

Cute Chubby Fat Cosplay

2009-08-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Xtreme Crazy Girls Drinking Beer

2009-07-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

Shit happens

2009-07-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

***

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

***

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

***

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

***

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

***

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

***

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

***

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

***

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

***

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

***

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

***

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

***

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

***

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

***

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

***

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

***

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

***

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

***

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

***

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

***

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

***

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

***

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

***

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

***

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

***

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

***

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

***

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Knock! Knock! Jokes

2009-07-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

* * *

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

What We've Learnt From Movies

2009-07-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

7. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

9. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

13. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.

14. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

15. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

16. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

17.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

18. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

19. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

21. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

22. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

23. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

24. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

26. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

29. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

33. Male human beings almost never undress to have sex, or if they finally do it, they are samples of the species with no visible genitals.

34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

36. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

37. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

38. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

39. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.

40. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

41. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

42. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

43. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

Cute Babes - Guilty Gear Cosplay

2009-07-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

Cute Babes - Rei Ayanami Cosplay

2009-07-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Cute Babes - Kirisame Marisa Cosplay

2009-07-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

Cute Babes - Tifa Lockheart Cosplay

2009-07-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

FlyLeaf - Flyleaf (2005)

2009-07-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

1. "I'm So Sick" 3:00
2. "Fully Alive" 2:47
3. "Perfect" 2:53
4. "Cassie" 3:05
5. "Sorrow" 2:50
6. "I'm Sorry" 2:47
7. "All Around Me" 3:23
8. "Red Sam" 3:20
9. "There For You" 2:54
10. "Breathe Today" 2:44
11. "So I Thought" 4:50
12. "Fully Alive" (acoustic) 2:16
13. "Red Sam" (acoustic) 3:26
14. "Cassie" (acoustic) 3:10
15. "I'm So Sick" (acoustic) 2:59
16. "All Around Me" (acoustic) 3:21

Download Here

List Of PTC

2009-07-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

WE PAY YOU CASH FOR SURFING AND FOR REFERRING NEW MEMBERS
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Chevelle - Send The Pain Below

2009-07-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Chevelle - Send The Pain Below

one of the best songs ever From a greatest band ever

CosPlay Is

2009-07-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Cosplay is a term that originated in Japan but is based on the English words “Costume Play,” essentially play-acting in costumes. In Japan, CosPlay is not limited to anime/manga, but also a staple of many other entertainment industries such as science fiction and horror. In North America, the term CosPlay is reserved for anime/manga related costuming.

CosPlaying can be divided into two categories: basic cosplay and Masquerade. While basic cosplay only involves an attempt to look like a particular character, either in the halls of a convention or on stage, Masquerade is much more involved. When masquerading, CosPlayers attempt to act as the character would. They often have prepared skits with memorized lines, and the more advanced masqueraders can easily ad-lib their character’s personality.

Anime/manga CosPlay has become very popular amongst fans in Japan and North America. Some CosPlayers make their own costumes, investing large amounts of time and money in the process, while others buy their costumes from professional costume designers. The end products are generally shown off at Anime conventions. Many Anime conventions hold contests for Cosplay and for Masquerade. Some successful cosplayers have become very popular and are considered celebrities in their own right.

Cute Babes - Asuka Loli Cosplay

2009-07-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Cute Babes - Chobits Chi Cosplay

2009-07-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Cute Babes - Chobits Strawberry Cosplay

2009-07-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sex Jokes

2009-07-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

* * *

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

* * *

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

* * *

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

* * *

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

* * *

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.

* * *

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

* * *

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

* * *

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

* * *

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

* * *

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."

* * *

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

* * *

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

* * *

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

* * *

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

* * *

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sleeping someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She sat on the bed and spread open her legs. She got the voodoo dick out and laid it on the bed right in front of her, and said just as her husband has told her: "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" . The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

* * *

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

* * *

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

* * *

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"

* * *

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

* * *

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

* * *

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

* * *

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood" The guy takes out a 3 wood, and boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of golf in his life. Then he asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

* * *

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

* * *

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

* * *

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

* * *

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

* * *

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

* * *

There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for a million dollars. "Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though." So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to, "give it a little shake". The arm does and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake. He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure nobody's watching and then tells the arm, "jerk it off!" The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, "Fuck Me!" So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at that." The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!

* * *

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Police Jokes

2009-07-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

* * *

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 60."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

* * *

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

* * *

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

Policeman: "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

Woman: "Well, I have contacts."

Policeman: "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

* * *

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

* * *

Officer: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

Lady: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

* * *

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

* * *

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

* * *

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

* * *

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

* * *

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Blonde Jokes 1

2009-07-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.

Cop: "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"

Blonde: "Driver's licence? What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a little card with your picture on it."

Blonde: "Oh, duh! Here it is..."

Cop: "May I have your car insurance?"

Blonde: "What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

Blonde: "Oh, this? Duh! Here you go..."

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

....

A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

....

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

* * *

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

* * *

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde#2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

* * *

A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"

* * *

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

* * *

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

* * *

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. "

* * *

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?"

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

* * *

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

1st brunette: "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back".

2nd brunette: "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception".

Blonde: "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively "How do you give shoulders?"

* * *

Teller: "Why did the blonde move to L.A.?"
Blonde: "I don't know. Why?"
Teller: "It was easier to spell."
Blonde: "Easier than what?"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

* * *

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well!" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

* * *

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up and says "Where?"

* * *

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

* * *

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

* * *

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it and yelled out "Green side up!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "Green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "Green side up!" The lady asked him "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing, last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Hollywood Star

2009-07-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Chinese Sexy Models

2009-07-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

Flyleaf

2009-07-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

Heavy music and pained lyrics go together like cake and ice cream, and Belton, Texas quintet, Flyleaf, aren't about to break with tradition. But while many loud rockers reopen old wounds by singing about their broken homes and broken hearts, Flyleaf confront past traumas to heal old scars and prove in the process that hope shines brighter than despair.

Lacey Mosley — vocals
Sameer Bhattacharya — guitar
Jared Hartmann — guitar
Pat Seals — bass
James Culpepper — drums

"I used to be in a really negative band, and that seemed to almost fuel my emptiness because that's what the songs were about," says charismatic singer Lacey Mosley. "That's why I think what we're doing is important because there needs to be something heavy out there that has a positive message so people see that it's possible to get through the worst situations."

Flyleaf's self-titled debut album echoes with songs about abuse, neglect, addiction and dysfunction, and messages about overcoming adversity. And the band's wide array of brooding beats, atmospheric textures and lunging riffs compliment Mosley's emotionally revealing lyrics, which range from breathy and beautiful to scathing and aggressive.

"I'm So Sick," starts with a moody bass line throbbing over a haunting ethereal vocal before guitars crash in like a rock through a plate glass window. The track see-saws between rage and reflection, guitarists Sameer Bhattacharya and Jared Hartmann providing textural flourishes and atmospheric touches that bridge the emotional shifts. "Cassie" layers stop-start guitars atop an urgent backbeat and builds to an exultant chorus. "All Around You" augments a wall of power chords with evocative jazzy licks and "Fully Alive" is a cinematic number with angry muted riffs that segue into another glorious refrain.

Flyleaf's infectiously heavy positivism is all the more surprising considering Mosley's struggles while growing up. "My mom was a young single mother of six," she explains. "We didn't have money and things were hard for all of us. We moved whenever we couldn't make ends meet in one place, and that happened pretty often so there was a lot of struggling, suffering and character building.

"It's easy to get depressed when you're dealing with that kind of stress," she continues, "especially when it looks like things will never get better. There was nothing constant in my life, and nothing to believe in. I got into some really bad stuff that I thought would make me feel more loved, or maybe just numb, but it cost me everything that was important to me, and literally almost took my life."

When you take a dive, sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can swim your way back to the top. For Mosley, writing songs about survival helped her reach the surface and breathe again. "I had to lose everything to look up and see that there is a truly constant hope of a happy ending and that's what we make music for." she says. "If my music helps one person, than it's worth having been through what I've experienced."

Five years ago, Mosley started playing music with drummer James Culpepper. The two joined up with Bhattacharya and Hartmann, who were in a local band that had just split up. "Our first practice together was awesome," Mosley says. "Sameer and Jared are really experimental with melodies and pedals, and we all had different influences that were all blending together with the same passionate and hopeful heart, and that brought out this beautiful feeling. It was magical."

Bassist Pat Seals joined in 2002. "The doors were open and I just happened to walk through at the right time," Seals says.

Flyleaf played anywhere they could slowly but consistently increasing their fanbase with local bands and national acts like Riddlin Kids, Bowling for Soup, Fishbone, and Evanescence. Eventually they landed a show at Austin's legendary annual music convention South by Southwest in 2003.

Although their set started at the un-rock n' roll time of 5 p.m., they rocked the house, which lead to a showcase for various labels. After many meetings and much deliberation, Flyleaf signed with Octone.

Then in early 2005 the band's self-titled debut EP - produced by Rick Parasher (Pearl Jam, Blind Melon) and Brad Cook (Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age) - was released and listeners got a taste of the band's poignant songcraft through tracks like "Breathe Today", "Cassie" and "I'm Sorry" which also appear on Flyleaf's full length. To support the EP, Flyleaf toured with Saliva, Breaking Benjamin, 3 Doors Down, Staind and Trust Company, though many of the audiences at these shows had no idea who Flyleaf were when they started playing, every night their spirited performances earned them new fans. To launch the LP, Flyleaf is touring with Cold, Staind and POD.

"We think about where we started and where we are and realize, 'wow, we are playing in front of 1000 people tonight’ states Mosley. "And then we just can't be thankful enough to those bands who gave us a chance to play with them, even though we are sort of nobodies."

In spring 2005, Flyleaf recorded their full-length debut with acclaimed producer Howard Benson, who has previously worked with Papa Roach, My Chemical Romance, POD and All American Rejects. Flyleaf stayed in Los Angeles for two months and worked on more than 20 songs with Benson at Bay 7 Studios. Together they, decided on 12 of them to arrange, fine tune and shape so they best reflected the group's powerful messages and experiences.

"He really took an interest in what we had to say and helped put all the parts in the right places," Mosley says. "We were so used to recording with our friends and finishing whole EPs in a few hours. So it was great to spend 2 months with Howard having this surreal professional experience in every part of the process."

Flyleaf originally called itself Passerby, but another artist trademarked the name before they had the chance. Ultimately the group decided to change its name to something far more befitting of their personal, confessional songs.

"A flyleaf is the blank page at the front of a book," explains Mosley. "It's the dedication page, the place you write a message to someone you're giving a book to. And, that's kind of what our songs are -- personal messages that provide a few moments of clarity before the story begins."

With their tight knit chemistry, compassionate approach and songs that haunt the mind hours after they've stopped playing, Flyleaf are turning heads and leaving crowds wanting more. Indeed, their story has just begun.

Chevelle

2009-07-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

Chevelle is an alternative rock band from Grayslake, IL. They formed in 1994 with the members of Sam Loeffler, Pete Loeffler (brothers) and Matt Scott. Matt was later replaced in 1996 by Joe Loeffler as bass player. On July 10, 2005 Joe was fired because of "irreconcilable differences". Geno Lenardo (Filter) filled in until August 2005, when Dean Bernardini (brother-in-law to the Loefflers) became the new bass player of Chevelle.

Inspired by the lurching riffs of Helmet and the soft/loud vocal styling of Tool, Chicago-based trio Chevelle's aggressive, heavy sound is all about mounting tension exploding into raw guitar bursts. They started out playing parties and outdoor events, which quickly led to bookings at Chicago clubs when youngest member Joe was just 16. In 1999, Chevelle released their Steve Albini-produced debut album, Point #1, on Squint Entertainment. Three years later — and following tours with bands like Filter, Sevendust, Powerman 5000, and Machine Head — the band had inked a deal with Epic and issued Wonder What's Next, released in August 2002. The album went platinum by the next summer and their second single, "Send the Pain Below," was a number one hit on modern rock and mainstream radio.

Chevelle released their newest album, Vena Sera, on April 13, 2007., Vena Sera.
The album was recorded with producer Michael "Elvis" Baskette, whom the band previously worked with on both "This Type of Thinking (Could Do Us In)" and "Wonder What's Next" albums. Vena Sera debuted at number 12 in the Billboard 200 with Chevelle being the only rock band in the Top 15.

Mushroomhead

2009-07-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

Mushroomhead is an alternative metal band from Cleveland, Ohio. Formed in 1993 in Cleveland’s Warehouse District, the band’s music can be described as a synthesis of alternative, heavy metal and electro-industrial influences. The band originally adopted masks and stage names to not conflict with their original bands. The band’s look has evolved over the years with each release.

In 1993, Mushroomhead was established as a side project. To differentiate itself from members’ existing bands and to dispel any misconceptions about the group’s sound and musical content, adopted costumes, masks and pseudonyms. They are considered Industrial Metal. They played its first show in 1993. Days later, the octet found itself on stage alongside established metal band GWAR. Since 1999, Mushroomhead has had an on-and-off rivalry with Iowa-based band Slipknot. The feud erupted due to the image similarities between the bands. Many fans of Mushroomhead claim Slipknot stole their masked look, and vice-versa.
Other Information

* Origin: Cleveland, Ohio, USA
* Genres: Alternative metal, Nu Metal, Industrial metal
* Years active: 1993 – present
* Labels: Eclipse Records, Universal Records, Megaforce Records, Filthy Hands
* Associated acts: Hatrix(216), VentanA, Tenafly Viper, Unified Culture, State of Conviction, The Alter Boys, S.O.S., Pitch Black Forecast
* Website: www.mushroomhead.com
* Members:

1. Jeffrey Nothing – vocals
2. Waylon – vocals
3. Gravy – guitars
4. Pig Benis – bass
5. Shmotz – keyboards
6. ST1TCH – turntables, electronics, samples, water drums
7. Skinny – drums, percussion

Albums

* 1995: Mushroomhead
* 1996: Superbuick
* 1999: M3
* 2001: XX
* 2003: XIII
* 2006: Savior Sorrow
* 2009: The Slaughterhouse is Back in Business

Misa Campo - Baby be Mine

2009-07-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

Sexy Thailand Babe - Poo Priya

2009-07-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Beautiful indonesian Girl

2009-06-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

sexy chinese Indonesian girls - vacation on Bali

2009-06-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Indonesian Sexy Red babe

2009-06-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

Paid To Click Review

2009-06-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

Paid To Click or PTC websites are the easiest way to earn money online. These websites let you make money without extra effort, require no skills, and are free. All you have to do is click a few ads, read a few mails or complete a few surveys.

Many paid to click websites require you to click on an ad and view it for about 30 seconds to get paid. When your account balance reaches the minimum payout value, you can request for a payout. Payments are generally made to a PayPal or AlertPay account. Staying active in a number of these programs lets you earn steady and regular online income. However, due to the boom in PTC industry, there are more scams out there than genuine sites.

This website aims at identifying the best and top paying PTC sites. We have an intelligent ranking system, reviews that are updated regularly, scam list and forums. Make use of these resources and launch your PTC career successfully.

Paid to click sites really do work, but only if they are run correctly. This page ponders the different types of ptc sites, their strengths and weaknesses and what you can do to make the most money with ptc sites.
It is not an exact science and even when you know what you are doing you dont always make money, but all in all there is still money to be made in these paid to click sites.

Click Here To join Paid To Click Site

Three drunk women comparing notes

2009-06-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the morning and went home. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first says, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second said, "Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw!" The third says, "I was the most drunk by far. When I got home, I knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Be nice to smokers

2009-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Editor: This is not a joke. Take it seriously and quit smoking.

Be nice to smokers. They don’t have long to live.

Michael - The Dragon Master

2009-06-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay
bribes".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King....

What do you usually say after sex

2009-06-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

What do you usually say after sex?
I love you?
Wrong !
That was great
Wrong again
I love it
Wrong again
Its: Tissue Tissue quick.

Why cant blondes count to 70

2009-06-21T20:43:00.002-07:00

Que. Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Ans. Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

Clinical term for men who need viagra

2009-06-21T20:43:00.001-07:00

Que. What’s the clinical term for men who need viagra?
Ans. Myccoxafailure.

Seven nude guys were standing naked

2009-06-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

Seven nude guys were standing naked by the roadside with erect dicks.
A woman: Are you advertising for condoms?
Guys: Naah! This is an ad for for 7 Up.

10 ways to find if you have PMS

2009-06-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

Three guys talking of control over wives

2009-06-21T20:38:00.001-07:00

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

Certificate for two hours of great sex

2009-06-21T20:37:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Rainbow condom

2009-06-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.
The female clerk told him, “We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?”
The guy said, “Good, I’ll take a box.”
A few months later, he went into the women’s clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.
The guy said, “I’d like to buy a maternity blouse.”
The clerk asked, “What bust?”
To which he replied, “One of the goddamm blue ones

Calories burnt for various sexual tasks

2009-06-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
With your teeth through her shirt.....108 Calories
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary..................................... 12 Calories
69 lying down............................... 78 Calories
69 standing up............................. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ .....326 Calories
Italian chandelier. (just look it up).. 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Huge list of funny one-liners

2009-06-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Why men are like toilets

2009-06-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

WHY MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1) They r always out of order
2) They stink
3) The nice ones r always engaged
4) They consume large amounts of liquid
5) are constantly full of shit!

Ode To Oral Sex

2009-06-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the Censored he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

Busted

2009-06-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

Womans body has five rooms

2009-06-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

According 2 Chinese Docs, a WoMaN'S BoDy HaS Five RooMS:
1. FACE - show room
2. BOOBS - play room
3. TUMMY - store room
4. VAGINA - men's room
5. ANUS - emergency room

How to satisfy a woman

2009-06-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN: caress, excite, cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper, console, worship, respect and love.

HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN: blow job

Man meeting father after engagement

2009-06-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!”
His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

Marriage brings out the animal in men

2009-06-21T14:32:00.001-07:00

Marriage brings out the animal in some men, usually the chicken.

Virgin bride on wedding night

2009-06-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

Adam and Eve ideal marriage

2009-06-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

2009-06-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Adbrite - A Well Paying Network

2009-06-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

A great way to monetize your blog is by joining AdBrite, an advertising program that pays you to display ads on your blogs. For anyone who hasn't heard of AdBrite, it is program that allows you to sell link ads on your websites. Nothing unusual there you might think and you'd be right. What makes AdBrite different from something like Text Link Ads is that you can choose to display network ads at times when advertisers haven't bought any links directly from you.A great advantage of joining AdBrite is you have greater power over what is displayed on your blog and at what price. AdBrite offers a few ad options that you can choose from, including CPC-based text ads to picture and video ads

Registration and Acceptance:
It is very easy to get accepted into AdBrite - simply complete the online application form, submit your site to the directory, place your ad code and away you go. They don't have any strict PageRank or traffic requirements like other programs. AdBrite is open to publishers from all over the world. One problem people encounter is that the application form asks for a US Social Security Number - being from the Indonesia I don't have one of those, so I just left the space blank and have had no problems.

Network Ads:
The network ads look very similar to AdSense for content units and AdBrite now offer inline ads too (shown in image above). The inline ads, which appear under keywords in your text, have a particularly good click thru rate. You get paid a small amount, typically 5 - 50 cents, for every click on a network ad. The image below shows a fairly typical day's earnings of 15 cents per click. Network ads aren't contextual, so they don't necessarily fit with the theme of your site. A lot of publishers choose to display network ads only - if you have regular traffic to your site you can make very good money from them.

Payment
Like AdSense, AdBrite does not publish how much it collects from your total earning. However, it is presumed to be around 25% to 30%. AdBrite mails out checks every 60 days. The default minimum amount paid is $100, but you can change this to as low as $5. If your earn less than the minimum amount, the payment is rolled over into the next month.

In short, AdBrite is an alternative for bloggers looking to make money online. It offers greater flexibility and although it has some downfalls, it is worth checking out. A word of advice is that AdBrite is more suitable for blogs with high amount of traffic. Blogs that earn low with AdSense could very well be making more cash with AdBrite. What’s more, AdBrite provides a great customer support and responses are usually sent out within 24 hours.
Click here to join

Peer Gomez - Earn Cash While You Sleeping

2009-06-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

Gomez Peer pays you if you let it use your processor for distributed computing. Imagine telling your friends that your computer earns money while you are sleeping! It could happen if you are selected to be an Active Gomez PEER in the Gomez PEER Community.
The idea is that you download a piece of software and leave it running in the background when you are online and it goes away testing the performance of web sites and reports back. The way you earn money is that for every processing minute you will get some money deposited into a paypal account of your choice.

if you want to start earn money
Follow these four steps.
1. Complete the online application form here.
Gomez will be selecting a diverse group of Peers and pay them for their processing time. Right now, Gomez is looking for users from all over the world with different Internet connection types, including dial-up and broadband users. Gomez will review your application within 14 business days and notify you of your Account Status via e-mail.

2. Download the PEER software.
After you sign up with Gomez Peer, download the peer software and start running it. As there are only a limited number of slots available in the PEER Community, Gomez will not activate everyone. So be sure to apply, download and start running the Gomez PEER today, because users with the most system activity will get activated.

3. Install, setup and run the software.
Unless you install, setup and run Gomez PEER, they will not activate your account. Be sure that your Gomez PEER is running every time you are online. After Gomez recognizes that your PC is running the PEER, Gomez will designate you in one of the three categories: Active, Pending, or Inactive. The user interface of the software will indicate your Account Status.

4. Register for a PayPal account.
Every month, Gomez will distribute cash earned by Active Gomez Peers using its online payment partner PayPal. Please register with PayPal if you do not have an account with them.

The Gomez PEER is a secure, Java-based application that runs in the background of your PC. Based on your computer's characteristics (Internet connection type, geographic location and Internet service provider), your PC will receive instructions to autonomously test the performance of Web sites — gathering important metrics that help identify network bottlenecks and performance problems. All of this happens "behind the scenes," even when you're away from your PC or asleep. Finally, your PC will send its results back to Gomez, where they are added to the work of thousands of other PCs around the world.

So what r u waiting for click banner bellow to join

MyLot - Paid To Post a Comment

2009-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

If you are the type of person who has a lot to say and wants to speak your mind, then mylot is definitely for you. Discussions are wide and extensive, from the latest in technology to the daily news, hottest gossip, the online earnings opportunity to the personal stuff. You are certainly most assured of finding your own niche in the mylot community.

What made Mylot so popular?there are a few reasons which I have analyze and derived

1. It is an enjoyable activity to do.Just start discussion or post comments
2. At the same time,anyone can ask questions or get answers which has been pondering in the back of their head.
3. Mylot is in another way a social networking site where you can find friends who share the same interest with you
4. Best of all,you are being paid to do all these except for extending your social networking

The payout is that for every discussion,you are being paid between USD$0.01 to USD$0.03.For every comment,you are being paid between USD$0.001 to USD$0.01.The minimum withdrawal is USD$10.00 and is done only thru Paypal.You must sign up to Paypal in order to received your payment.

And what is good about mylo t is that you earn a little amount for every discussion you post and respond too. Now here is the tricky part cause they got their own way of determining how much you earn for every post. It is important to keep in mind the quality of the post matter, not the quantity.
Now when you want to start your own discussion, make the title catchy. So that other people will try and find what you have to say or ask and respond to your discussion. The more people respond to your discussion the bigger are your earnings. Make your discussion interesting and ALWAYS try and respond to the members who responded to your discussion as common courtesy. And that way your discussions gets the exposure it needs so that more members will respond to your discussion.

Now here is my big secret. Mylot.com pays a lot more to upload images. But they only allow you to upload them to your interests sections. This is OK you can just create many interests and then post tons of images in them. If you make lots of interests even if you are not interested in something you will make lots of money. After all you are there on that site to make money. All you need to do it make tons of interests and then post images in them. If you do at least 100 images a day you can make 1 dollar or more. This is not a lot of money but it's more than what Mylot.com pays for posting. And if you post lots of images you can make some nice money. So give it a try and let me know how it goes! I hope you all make a lot of money using my secrets on Mylot.com
Click here to join or Click banner bellow

My Home Page Friends - Earn Money For Searching The Internet

2009-06-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

My Home Page Friends is a paid to search program that pays you to search popular search engines like yahoo.com. This program has a history of paying out its members and is paid in English pounds – meaning more cents per search.

How does it work?

Whenever you use their search, you get paid 0.01 pound (where is the pound sign on the keyboard?). That means more cents for each search. You can select the way you want to be paid : either through PayPal or through your Bank account. They pay you every 30-45 days after each month. e.g. For searches in January we pay you in mid March. There is a £20 minimum payment, so if you have not reached this amount in any month they will hold the payment over to the next month.

How Can I Maximise My Earnings

There are several ways to maximise your earnings from My Home Page Friends.

Search More
In my attempts to try and increase my earnings from My Home Page Friends I have worked out a few techniques to increase your search numbers in a day.
Be Lazy
Who cares about remembering domain names. Not definite on whether the domain you are about to type in is a .com .net or whatever? Just search it :D
Use It For Research
This one will be easy to explain with a few examples:
o When I got to the part in this post where I was talking about how much I had made from thi program I search to find out what the currency conversion was.
o While writing my new ebook i wanted to get the definition of a blog. I searched it.
o Was Looking for the blogging idol post on DailyBlogTips.com. I just searched it!

It is all about changing the way you search to integrate it more into your day. These tips alone will at least double your searches alone.
Referrals
You also have the chance to benefit from those you recommend to My Home Page Friends. You get 10% of their earnings and I think even a small portion of their referrals earnings. This is a great way to more than double your income from this program because it is so easy to convert. I mean all you have to do is change one little thing and then do what you have always been doing and make money from it each month. who would say no to that?
Here is a chart showing what you earn:

Is It Worth It?

I have heard a few people saying how it isn’t worth it for just a couple of extra dollars a month. But the thing is how much is their blog making them? Because if it is new the chances of it making a significant amount is pretty slim, and with My Home Page Friends even if you are only searching and not getting referrals you could easily be making $10-$30 a month – probably making it one of your top earners!
If you wish, you can sign up by Click here as my referral.
or just click the Banner below

Shareapic - Upload and Share Ur Best Picture Then Get Paid

2009-06-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

Shareapic.com is a free image host that pays. They pay 22 cents per 1000 picture views. It’s referral system is infinite levels wide and one deep.
Some good things about Shareapic are that you can upload unlimited pictures and create unlimited galleries. Also their pay out is within 7 days.
Click Here To Join Or
Click The Image Below

Creating unlimited galleries
Shareapic gives you unlimited galleries which you can have as long as non of the pictures goes against their TOS. If you own a celebrities site, you can have dedicated galleries for each individuals. Its simple to upload and view through your gallery.

Sharing your pictures
You are able to share your pictures with forum, ebay, blogging platforms,emails,social networks etc..A simple "Html" or "[IMG]" code will be dedicated to you in thumbnail form,your viewers can click on them and see the full resolution of the picture and you get paid.

Be smart and hit the picture industrial
Many people fail because they do not know where they can share the pictures. Again people are not choosing the right sites and forum to be at. Let's say you are interested in cars, and you have tons of rare and exotic cars pictures to share, look for forums that talk about them and share your pictures with them.

When I can request payment?
You can request payment if your revenue have reach $20 and all payments are sent via PayPal
Click Here To Join
Click this banner bellow

Yuwie - Social Networking that pays

2009-06-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

Yuwie is a online social networking sites, that's similar to Myspace, Facebook, Orkut etc. post your profille pictures, videos and blog. Yuwie is different from other social networking sites. So what’s so special about Yuwie? Well Yuwie pays you for socializing with your friends as well as other Yuwie users.
There are two ways to earn Yuwie :
1. Page Views.
2. Refer friends.

Increase Page Views:

Get paid to page views on your profile. Increasing page views mainly depends on your profile, blogs, pictures, captions, etc. Hence it’s very important that you update your profile and blog regularly. Leave comments for friends, upload more pictures, and maintain an active blog. All of this activity will cause more people to view more pages on your profile. Another idea to increase your page views is by adding more and more friends.

Referrals:

You can refer new people into Yuwie and make money. If you refer three active people and they refer three active users under them and finally if they refer at least three active members then you get credit for your referrals’ page views as well as their referrals page views.
Click here or click the Yuwie banner to join.

Ziddu - Get Paid To Upload Photos, Wallpapers, Pictures and Videos

2009-06-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

Upload your photos, audios, videos and document files, unlimited uploads from ziddu.com . File Sharing is very easy with Ziddu.com. A unique link will be provide to every uploaded file, which can be shared via e-mail, Website, Blog, forums, My Space, Face book etc with your friends for free download. Can share documents, photos, audio & video files, you get paid money for every download.

Ziddu.com file sharing 100% free to join and this allowed international members. You can upload photos, audio, video, documents or anything else are maximum file size is 200 MB. Ziddu gives you a plethora of photo management tools such as ''Photo Album'' and ''Slide Show'' to share. This site provides the flexibility to create Video and Audio libraries to share and Apart from download, you can view/watch/listen online any uploaded file with Ziddu.

You will get money when some one downloads your file from ziddu links. For each unique download, you will get $0.001. That is, 10000 Unique Downloads: $10, 50000 Unique Downloads: $50, 100000 Unique Downloads: $100 USD. You will always get paid $0.10 for every Referral Bonus. Your paments send via PayPal or Moneybookers once it reaches $10. All Payments will be processed on 10th of every month.
How to make money with ziddu - step by step registration guide
1) Go to Ziddu website here

2) You will see the form below. Fill in your name, email, password, verify code, tick on I agree terms and conditions then click the submit button.

3) After registeration you can login to your account at login

4) After you login go to payment settings as shown below.

5) At payment details choose PayPal or Money Bookers

6) To upload files go to MyFiles.

7) You can either upload a single file or multiple files.

8) After you have completely uploaded your files to their server you will get link which look like the one below.

9) Now all you have to do is promote this link to where peoples are heavily spotted and watch money pouring in to you account !.